I’ll bet you think this post is about you. And you know what? It is. It is about you, SHT. If I’m going to do this I’m not going to do it half-assed and hope you read it and realize it’s directed at you. It is directed at you.
First, a little background for you voyeurs:
I’ve been honestly, but not talkative about who I am since this blog was hosted by blogdrive and was called Faerytale Dreams. Some of you might even have been reading since then. I am a submissive. I’m a strong, independant, fucked up little princess who wants nothing more than to find a man who accepts and meets my challenges to his authority head on and who cherishes my submission. That being said, I’ve recently decided that I’m too fucked up for a relationship at the moment and am instead looking for the friendship of like-minded individuals.
Before I made this revelation I was actively looking for a relationship. Not particularly a D/s relationship but I happened to find a man in the local area that met all of my criteria. No. Wait. Most of my criteria. He may not be what I thought I wanted physically, but my opinion changed when we clicked. We talked for hours at a time. He seemed interested. More than interested, he seemed intent on showing me that he was what I wanted. We met and I was hooked. End back story.
So, SHT, with that little summary out of the way I have something to say to you. I’m not the only childish fuck-up among us. But I am the only one willing to admit it. You see, I admit that maybe I came on too strong. I admit that maybe I was a little too focused on you. No man is my knight in shining armor and I need to learn to be my own.
Until I do I am in no position for a relationship, and I freely, willingly and openly admit that. But is it not equally childish to ignore someone completely who has opened themselves up to you on in the neutral realm of friendship. Is it not weak to, as a friend, run from their own self discovery and growing awareness of inner strength. Such are the exhibitions of a top not a Dom.
It was unfair of me. It was unfair to pin all my hopes on you. To push you into talking to me, to push you into wanting me. I know that your present aloofness towards me is a response to my obsession with finding a partner. But forgive me if I had hoped you were strong enough to look past the little girl in me to the woman that is in here some where, the woman I am trying to find myself. No pressure. No desires other than the friendship of someone like me.
I don’t want you anymore. You are not the man I thought you might be. I’m not heartbroken because I didn’t know you well enough in the first place, but I mourn the loss of what could have been a great friendship.
norchron (Dec 30, 2009)
I still am astonished with how casually we discard one another even after intimate relationships. I treat strangers better than I see others treating those with whom they have shared a great bond of love. It is cruel and it is cold, but it is ultimately the result of ignorance, they just don’t know enough about themselves to be able to appreciate and value the human spirit. Don’t stop being a little girl. Socrates said that Learning comes from forgetting. We can learn many things from children, including the simplicity of happiness. I think that to see things with the innocence and hopefulness of a little girl would be a wonderful thing, and if you find it serves you well, than pursue it, for no one but yourself can tell you your worth.
We act according to our merit, and if he finds it acceptable to ignore you and treat you without compassion, that says nothing of you. It only makes him the servant of apathy, and he is responsible for his own actions. Remember and believe that you are worth all of the support and care a person can give, especially yourself, and if others do not appreciate that, it is their problem. I hope that you can take this experience and learn, and grow in love and happiness, and not succumb to the withdrawl and bitterness that are so tempting. I like to think of all suffering as a path to greater happiness, and problems as opportunities in disguise. With everything that life throws against you, you can take it, learn from it, and be better of afterwards than you were before.
Fea (Dec 30, 2009)
Thank you.
To be fair to SHT, he read this and took my criticism in stride – and changed his tune. I like to think we are becoming friends.
I’ve definitely learned. No matter how many sparks I may see fly – the relationship is impossible if I am the only one that sees them.
I’ve also learned not to censor myself. By SHT listening, and understanding I’ve learned that any one worth while in my life will listen to what I have to say and value it. Even if it stings.