I remember when my brother was born. I remember holding him. I, too, was little and it wasn’t so much holding him as it was making sure he didn’t roll off my lap. He was so perfect.

And then he started growing. So fast. He was like a weed. And soon enough he was as big as I was – but he was three years younger. And I felt so adult, me in my seven years and he in his mere four. And he wanted me to love him so much. He wanted to feel like I wanted him there.

But I didn’t. I was heartless and cruel and all I could do was tell him how stupid he was, how much I hated him, how much I wanted him to go away or never have come in the first place.

And we kept growing. And we grew together but always apart – because I wouldn’t have it any other way. We went to music lessons together and it would be my perfect time to taunt him, or hurt him. We in our room practicing our jigs and reels with the other kids, away from the prying and protective eyes of adults. And I could back him in to a corner and punch him. And hit him. And when he was down I could kick him. And kick him. And kick him. And get the other kids involved. And there he was on the floor, shielding himself. Shielding his face so that I wouldn’t leave a mark. And I was triumphant. I won. And he knew I didn’t want him. But he never told anyone.

He started to fight back. He wouldn’t let me bully him anymore. And as he grew bigger, and bigger he started to become the bully. He started to hit me with fists like I hit him. And he started to hit me with words like I hit him. The difference was, he was fighting back.

I look at him now. The brother I don’t know but grew up with. Standing there so proud, in his uniform with his boy on his knee and his wife next to him. And I know I killed what we could have had. I wonder what it would have been like to watch his pledge his life to this woman. I wonder what it would have been like to watch him as he set out to sea. I can only blame myself. I didn’t lose him – I pushed him away since his birth.

James, I know you don’t really think so – but I promise you I loved you then and I still do. I have never been prouder of you. And in my adulthood, I have never regretted more my childhood with you. My baby brother.