An Cailín Seanchaí

7 Mar

I just keep going over this in my head. You’d think I would work it out here, but i just needed to wrap my head around it. It’s the story of a boy and a girl who just couldn’t make it work.

When he moved to California last July it was a jolt to my system. I cut myself off. Cloistered myself in my apartment licking my wounds. After a months time I reached out to him still in need of his company, even if it was 3,000 miles away. Every night I’d fall asleep talking to him, content with my lot. My bed grew very cold, very quickly. Soon I wanted a playmate and companion. Conversation across the continent just wasn’t enough, mostly because that is all it was. He made it very clear there was no future.

So when I started looking for a partner I did not feel guilty or ashamed. i met someone I wanted to have in my life, in whatever respect that would be and I was enjoying having dinner once a week with someone. Talking, watching movies – having company of the opposite gender where it wasn’t girl talk, it wasn’t talking about work, it was just talking about whatever. We were friends and then one night we had sex – and we’re still just friends. Still just watching movies and having dinner. Still talking about the world with our legs resting on one another for no other reason but comfort.

And my nights were still spent being lulled to sleep by that southern drawl; that cool sophistication of a Louisville accent. Because he had my heart. And while I didn’t think I had his, that I was just familiar conversation, I hear that I am. And when I didn’t think it mattered who I slept with or who I was attracted to it turns out it mattered very much – not because I slept with someone else, but because I never told him I wanted him.

And so the ultimatum; do not call, do not text unless it is to say that I want him and only him. I don’t think I can do that. Not now. Not because I don’t want him. Not because I don’t love him. Not because some part of me feels like I belong with him.

Because there is some other part of me that needs to be dominated. Some other part of me that needs to submit – and I cannot submit to him because he would give me the world to see me smile without a moments hesitation. He would do whatever I asked of him and it is not that I want a man who wont – I just want a man who gives me the world because he wants to give me the world, not because I want the world and will be able to say no to me.

I miss him. I miss the way he looks at life, the way he loves his kids. I miss the free spirit he lets out on weekends when he is riding his bike or he is looking out over the mountains and taking it all in. I could live my life with him and be very happy, but I am haunted with the fear that part of me would die for not living my life as who I am.

So what do I do? Do I call him up and tell him I’m ready to commit to him because honestly, he really does make me very happy and I do love him. Or do I give up on him because waiting for something that may not come and being true to yourself (even though it, too, is just a small part of you) is worth being alone forever?